We’ve all been there at some point in our lives – furious with our spouse, a colleague or a friend. Maybe they hurt our feelings, left the kitchen in a mess or got us in hot water by making a mistake at work. We can feel any one of a range of emotions when another person hurts us: sadness, anger, rage, vengefulness.
People can hurt us on a small scale (that friend who forgot your birthday), or on a larger scale, for example, if a spouse has an affair. We can even feel wronged by authority figures such as politicians, or by restaurants who take an age to bring our meal. But have you ever noticed how that anger fizzles out once the other person says ‘sorry’?
Validating Feelings
The reason that the apology makes such a difference to the wounded party is that it validates their feelings. As we see in trauma informed practice training, to have our feelings validated, heard and understood is key to processing negative feelings and emotions, and being able to move on. You may hear this referred to as working through trauma, or dealing with trauma. A variety of organisations offer courses centred around trauma informed practice training, such as this one:https://www.tidaltraining.co.uk/mental-health-training-courses/trauma-informed-practice-training.
Sorry always seems the hardest word
It’s not always easy. If we’re the ones who have hurt another and need to apologise, it can take courage. Often we hear parents praising their small children for saying sorry, knowing it can be difficult to do.
It’s an admission of guilt, it’s taking ownership of our mistakes and it’s doing our best to rectify them – or at least starting the process of doing so. As the American Psychological Association remarks, apologising is often an essential part of healing rifts and repairing relationships
Once an apology is received, it allows us to begin connecting again with the other party, to hear their side of the story and to have space to air how their actions caused us pain. ‘Sorry’ may be a small word, but it’s a powerful one.
